Today is the 6th February 2014. I feel that I have so much to pour out to, but everything gets stuck whenever I tried to release it. 

I've delivered a beautiful baby boy on 9th December 2014, and we have decided to name him 'Luke'. He's smart, playful and full of cuteness like other babies, but doctors have found him with biliary atresia. 

Kasai operation was done on 30th January 2014 and the operation lasted 6 hours. They found his gallbladder to be too small and had it removed. And today, I'm in the hospital for the fourth day, taking care of him day and night. 

So much came unexpectedly, from the day I discovered my pregnancy to where we are today. 

I always thought a child is never gonna shift my plans and opinion much and this thought stuck with me all the way till I gave birth to my son, till did I realize that I could be such a dedicated mother with all that emotions that come along with it. 

I was proved wrong of my own thoughts. Even with so many examples around me, I could still be thinking that my life wouldn't drift far from what I ideally wanted it to be despite having kids. 

And what am I thinking now you may ask? I wanna include my kids into my ideal life, I wanna be like Victoria Beckham. 

But as much as I can bring positive, there's so many whys that I can't help asking. 

Why me? 

Why does it have to be my son? 

Why can't karma be served in hell before one gets reincarnated? 

Having the chance to be reincarnated doesn't it infer that one gets a brand new life? 

All these unanswered questions... boy, its frustrating to bear. And at times I find myself getting an instant depression that makes me break down suddenly and think about those queries.

Make me believe again, because I'm getting tired.